Grief

"The reason I am depressed is because of Grief, not because of death."

Grief can arise in many different situations, at many different points in a person’s life. For me, Grief began as far back as I can remember. Grief has shaped me into the person I am today. Grief is nobody’s fault. Grief is ever-present, all consuming, and completely debilitating.

Whilst most of my peers have never even been to a funeral, it has become apparent to me that I have experienced an unfortunate amount of death, grief and it’s following practice at my ripe old age of twenty-six. Funerals have become normal for me - I am expectant of their happening. I anticipate death to an extent most never even think about. I am consumed by death in my fluctuating life.

Now, some would assume this is why I am depressed: because I let these things consume me. However, this fact of life is something that presented itself to me early on. With life, comes the guarantee of dying. I am content with dying. I am O.K. with death. Although, what I am not content with is Grief’s ability to manifest itself in ways you never thought possible. Grief has an ability to flood into life like the failure of a dam. The reason I am depressed is because of Grief, not because of death.

Throughout different stages of my life, I have constantly been faced with the loss of those around me, whom I love. As I mentioned, this is a fact of life I have somewhat come to terms with. However, the rate at which I have lost those I love is uncannily ferocious. You name it, I’ve experienced it: sudden death, slow and painful but expected death, suicide, the lot. Experiencing any death is horrific, but having to endure such a variety of death has taught me many things about the different types of grief one may experience in life.

Sudden Death is instant, it is overwhelming and it is completely unexpected. The immeasurable pain felt during the sudden death of a loved one is something I can only liken to an apocalypse. Everything seems to end in that moment and you are presented with nothing but intense heartbreak and emotional distress.

This is common with all death experiences, yet sudden death is something, I believe, we are unprepared for as sentient beings. It shocks us to our deepest core and aptly confronts us with the fragility of life. Lost and in distress, our bodies and minds struggle to cope with the bombshell of death.

Contrary to other forms of death and the experiences these hold, Sudden Death does not allow for the space to breathe or process. It does not allow the human body to anticipate, or come to terms with the death of a loved one. Instead you are faced with trying to process the immense destruction of what you once knew, within an instant. A Death Apocalypse. The Grief that follows becomes unbearable, as you begin to question why, how and what ultimately killed this person that I love.

The Grief that follows a Sudden Death is utterly life-changing. Not only has something unfathomable taken place, but it has changed the course of life as you know it. With Sudden Death comes the upheaval of life. Within a tiny fraction of time, you have to re-think life as a life without this person involved. Without the existence of your loved one.

That being said, the Grief that follows any death is extremely traumatic and will eventually lead you down the same path. Sudden Death just so happens to take place in a shorter version of time than when other deaths tend to happen.

Now, imagine the Grief of a Sudden Death, but prolonged, stretched out and bleeding into your every day life: this is what it is like to experience the death of a loved one who is slowly dying. Whether that be cancer, some other natural illness or disease, these deaths are slow and painful and require strength you never knew you had.

Somewhere, within every sentient being, is the extraordinary ability to manifest the immeasurable strength needed, to care for those we love, who are dying a slow and painful death. Confronted with this, we are quite literally being confronted with death. We are looking death in the eye, yet we cannot do anything to terminate death.

One of the many things I have learnt with Grief, is my own capability of resilience. I am stronger than I think, and am capable of experiencing things harder than I ever imagined. With the unbearable pain of grief comes the unlikely partner: resilience. Naturally, I still expect and anticipate death, but with this I have knowledge of my own power. My own strength is a solid match for the grief that I have overcome, and the grief that is to come.