New Year's Reflections

"When I was younger, New Year’s resolutions seemed important to me, because they were important to everyone else. I thought perhaps if I set the right ones, then I’d somehow find that magic answer of who I needed to be to fit in."

In this Life As Us ‘resolutions’ focus, Cerys and Hannah asked each other some questions about New Year and their relationship with resolutions. New Year brings a range of emotions for the majority of people – a spectrum of feelings filled with memories, ideas, and potential triggers for some. But the most prominent aspect of the New Year is that resolutions, game-changers, and mindfulness are circulating online.

In an effort to contribute to this reflective time of year in a very personal way, Cerys and Hannah chatted about New Year, resolutions, and their experiences of being neurodivergent at this time of year. Some similarities crop up in their experiences, including the avoidance of over-committing and taking some time away from social media. Most notably, both Cerys and Hannah emphasise their need to focus on being the ‘same me’: no drastic changes, no resetting of mindsets, and no desire to become someone else.

Cerys: Hi Hannah! With New Year’s resolutions plastered all over social media, how do you feel about resolutions? They’re something I’ve never understood and often find they’re not-particularly compassionate. I would love to know your viewpoint.

Hannah: I struggle with resolutions, as they often focus on quite superficial things. I also find them all very commercial. So many people go and buy a new gym membership, a tonne of ‘healthy’ diet foods or whole sets of new clothing for a new exercise class or sport that they’ll most likely not keep up past the middle of January. It feels like a giant con to get people spending money on things they really don’t need and won’t use. It all feels quite arbitrary too, given that when January 1st rolls around, nothing really changes. I have always struggled to understand the big celebrations that come with New Year as for me, it’s just another day. Plus, I’m incredibly determined (or stubborn, depending how you look at it, but I try to see it in a positive light) so if I want to change something, I generally just do it, whenever it becomes important for me. It feels odd to me that that needs to happen on a specific date for other people. I suppose it’s just another social custom that I just don’t quite get, and I’m ok with that!

Cerys: Thanks for sharing that. On a similar note, is there anything you would like people to know about how you experience the potential pressures of “New Year, New Me!” discourses?

Hannah: I grew up feeling like I needed to be different to the way I was, constantly. I never felt like I fitted in and I always wanted to figure out the thing that was ‘missing’ or that I was doing ‘wrong’. So when I was younger, New Year’s resolutions seemed important to me, because they were important to everyone else. I thought perhaps if I set the right ones, then I’d somehow find that magic answer of who I needed to be to fit in. They magnified the feelings I had of not being good enough, and the fact that they are so commonly bought into made it easier for me to justify my feelings and focus on things I needed to change about myself. They were another thing that damaged my already pitifully low self esteem and fed into years of trying to change myself.

Another big concern I have around them is so many seem to focus on losing weight. Sometimes it’s under the guise of being healthier, but a lot of it focusses on body shape, size and generally becoming smaller. As someone who has struggled hugely with body image and disordered eating throughout my life, I hate seeing the focus on diet culture that goes hand in hand with New Year as it feels dangerous and unhealthy.

In terms of New Year, New Me, this year I’m very much focussing on being the same me. Because I’m finally starting to like myself now that I understand my neurotype better, and I’m actually pretty happy with who I am.

Cerys: I think that really feeds into my next question, which is do you have a way to block out other people’s resolutions to make sure you remain focused on you and your priorities?

Hannah: I try not to engage with it really. I try to stay away from social media over the holiday period and that continues into early January as it can be a lot to take in. Social media can be great, but it can also be incredibly toxic, and I try to stay away from making comparisons between myself and things I see online. I also try to avoid the supermarkets and shops in January, as they are full of advertising for ‘healthy’ new habits and trying to sell you things to magically turn your life around. I quite often find January tough with the comedown after the busy festive period, generally terrible weather and a long slog before the next holiday. So I try to focus on what makes me feel better, and take care of myself. I’m not saying I’m great at doing that by any means, but I try!

Cerys: Is there something you love about New Year, and could you tell me why?

Hannah: This sounds very Grinch-esque of me but I actually love taking all of the Christmas decorations back down. Don’t get me wrong, I love putting them up and having the house decorated for Christmas itself, but by January I’m ready for wrapping it up and moving forwards. Plus the house always feels considerably more spacious once the tree is down, so it’s like getting a free extension! I tend to use January as a good opportunity for a clear out, which I find cathartic, as I do have a tendency to keep hold of things and build up clutter. Freeing up physical space helps me feel better mentally too.

I also like the fact that for the first week or so of January, social interactions are a little easier as you know exactly how to start off each conversation…wishing people a Happy New Year!

Hannah: I'd love to ask you some questions now Cerys, if that's okay? Firstly, do you celebrate New Year at all, and if so, what do you usually do?

Cerys: I’ve never been to a New Year’s party, but I normally have a small gathering with my close family where there’s no pressure to even stay up until midnight! This year, however, I spent New Year’s Eve with just my fiancé, having a quiet night in where we just enjoyed some much-needed time together. I’m glad I’ve never been to a NYE party, as I think there’s a lot of pressure that comes with bringing in the New Year with other people.

Hannah: Has your opinion of New Year’s resolutions changed at all since discovering your neurodivergence?

Cerys: This is a really great question! I wouldn’t say it’s changed since my autistic diagnosis, but instead, my reluctance to have resolutions feels more validated by my experiences in therapy. I’ve discovered that I have a tendency to set too many goals, often dictated by other people’s opinions and perceptions of ‘good’, or ‘important’. I feel that in the past I’ve made really terrible resolutions around weight loss, more socialising, or committing to more things. Rather than motivate me, these things have always induced so much anxiety that I’ve already started the year on the back-foot, fuelled by an anxious drive system rather than a place of self-prioritisation. It sounds cheesy, but the thing my diagnosis has done has allowed me to really focus on who I am at my core – and that includes still hating resolutions!

Hannah: What do you like least about the concept of New Year’s resolutions and why?

Cerys: On a similar note to my previous comment, I feel that resolutions bring a pressure that is simply not needed for most people. Perhaps controversially, I feel that some resolutions simply come from a place of privilege, where you’ve already met so many basic needs and goals that you have the option to make resolutions. I found that resolutions, to me, have always felt so superficial, but surrounded by feelings of pressure, anxiety, the need to change something no matter what simply because it’s a New Year.

I will say that I’ve seen some nice resolutions floating around on social media – things like putting yourself first, or making more space for yourself through a creative outlet. But again, I think that resolutions leave no leeway or slack, meaning people feel they either succeed or fail at them. My worry is always the toll this can take on your wellbeing, especially if it results in you constantly comparing yourself to others, which is where I always felt I sat with resolutions.

Hannah: Last but not least, how do you accommodate yourself at this time of year?

Cerys: It’s ironic when we are publishing this piece online, but taking some time away from social media whilst resolutions, gameplans and mindsets are circulating on every platform. I try to remind myself that a New Year does not mean that I have to change dramatically. In fact, nothing needs to change at all unless I actually want it to. A date on a calendar doesn’t dictate when you do or don’t make a change, and neither does someone else’s inspirational post online. It’s my time, it’s your time, it’s our time, but it will always look different.