The Bullied

From my first years of school to my final days of college, I was bullied. Now being one of the only people of colour in my schools helped to alienate me for sure but today I’d like to focus on how my autism made me a target for bullying.

Behaviours like stimming, direct communication, sensory sensitivities, intense special interests, or difficulties with social norms- made me stand out as odd and different. And standing out as well as being odd and different made me a target. I stood out as an easy target and so to my classmates it was “cool” and the “in thing” to bully me.

I didn’t pick up on sarcasm or social cues. I expressed myself differently. Kids may have thought I asked  “too many questions,” I shared “too much,” or didn’t assimilate well enough to meet neurotypical expectations. I was seen as “weird,” “rude,” “too much,” or “too quiet.”

I was bullied for not “getting it,” for being “too sensitive,” for the way I spoke, the way I moved, the things I loved. I was made fun of for being too enthusiastic about my interests, for needing breaks during overwhelming situations, and for missing social cues.

I moved schools in grade 3 and was quickly the target once again. I wasn’t even given a chance to be a part of the class before the bullying began. I would make attempts to join in play with other kids, knowing this was what was expected of me, and I desperately craved connection, and kids would ignore me, or make up lies saying I always cheated. I made a few friends but they were never actually nice to me, excluding me from social events and making jokes at my expense. I stayed at that school till I moved schools again, the bullying continued my entire time at that school.

In grade 7 I started French immersion and I moved to a brand new school. A fresh start and an opportunity to finally make friends. And to tell you the truth I managed to make 3 friends there, one became my first boyfriend in grade 8 and the other two were fellow classmates. Overall the two classmates were nice to me pretty consistently but it cost them socially. The friend that became the boyfriend was the sweetest guy ever and was so kind. Years later he apologized for not being kinder because it wasn’t cool to be nice to me. Which was crazy because I thought he was the nicest boy ever and because I hadn’t realized it was an actual thing to be mean to me.

High school was a fresh start, I was away from my bullies from french immersion and the world was my oyster. I made friends over my special interest in One Direction and had my first official friend group. Were they nice to me? Not really! But that didn’t matter because I had friends! Did they purposefully trigger meltdowns and panic attacks? Yes, but they also invited me to go bowling together! High school was a rollercoaster and not just because of my social life, home life was crazy and I was struggling academically as well. I had several different friend groups over the first two years, until I found the friend group that saw me to my first year of college. They were friendly, enough but they were toxic and held high standards. I was meant to keep the majority of them from ending it all and manage their mental well beings.

Then college came, and I was excluded from group chats, misled and never really fit in. But college was different, I was an adult, I didn’t have to stay at the school all day and it was a lot more independent work. So the isolation didn’t sting as badly.

I spent years struggling socially and never really managing to have genuine friendships and consistently nice friends. Never really belonging anywhere. But then I started a part time job as a barista at the same time as discovering I was autistic and I finally found my people. I found a space where I, me, Oli, truly belonged. Through the online autism community and the wonderful people at that Starbucks that I know call my close friends, I have found my corner of the universe.

I hope one day, each and everyone of you find your corner of the universe. You deserve it!